DAVIS, CA :: Natasha Markham (UC Davis, 2013) has come a long way since playing in the inaugural season of TEAM OC, a BOUNCE club team in Southern California established because of the enthusiasm of girls like Natasha. She went on to play XTEAM, gaining national exposure and experience and reaching her dream to play DI. After 2 years on the team, what she wanted for herself and what she wanted out of life began to shift. Now, thanks to 13.1 miles, ‘Tash isn’t afraid to listen to heart. With a new outlook on life and a big run under her belt, she tells her story in her own words :
THE FACTS
1. I played for XTEAM and TEAM OC in high school.
2. Then, I played two years on the D1 team at UC Davis.
3. During practice my freshman year, I sublexed my left shoulder - little did I know it would forever change the way I played lacrosse.
4. I played on it for the following 2 years and disregarded doctors’ suggestions on getting surgery so that I could keep playing.
5. I needed coracoid decompression surgery on my bone and muscle as well as 4 pins put in for instability.
6. Doctors didn't think I'd be able to play again after this major surgery, so I continued to play in severe pain every day.
7. I quit the UC Davis team.
8. I worried I had failed myself, my team, my community.
9. I signed up for the Nike Women’s ½ Marathon.
10. I got shoulder surgery.
BREAKING POINT
I finally made the decision the past summer to get surgery. I wanted my arm to be fixed. I wanted the pain to go away. Turns out … during surgery, they found more muscle in my left arm than they anticipated and I didn't need pins to hold the joint together after all. This meant that I could technically one day play lacrosse again after some intense rehab. Since I signed up for the marathon before I made the decision to get surgery, I would only do it if I was cleared to run.
RACE READY
The Friday before the race, I took my final run before the Big Day on Sunday. I had only been cleared for exactly 18 days and was struggling to get back in shape. My body had been sitting for 2 months and most days my toes would bleed by the time I was finished running. I got to thinking ... why am I doing this? To prove people wrong? To prove myself wrong?
During my last training run, my thoughts transformed in my head as if every mile had a different theme. In the beginning, I thought about achievements, strength, and overcoming obstacles. But it slowly turned into painful thoughts as the run got longer - from my past, from people that had left and moments in life that knocked me down.
WHY I RUN
I got home later that day to find a t-shirt that my roommates made for me. It went with the Nike marathon theme and said "I RUN TO BE FEARLESS" on the back. I loved it. But, I quickly realized, I wasn't fearless about it at all. What people didn't know – and I was just majorly discovering - is that I was scared sh%tless. I didn't know how it would turn out.
And, realizing as I look back on most of the things I was scared to do before this, like most things I wanted the opportunity to try. I was hungry to try something where I didn't necessarily know the outcome. It took everything in me to take all competiveness and pride out of it. I knew that even walking the race didn't mean failing. Down to basics - I wanted two things: To be in as little shoulder pain as possible; and, to finish.
So on Sunday, I ran for me ... and didn't stop for a long 2 hours and 9 minutes. I felt strong during miles 1-6, and was laughing and talking with my best friend by my side. Miles 8-10 told a different story - I started to slow down after one too many cable car hills, but managed to stay with my friend. Doubts started rushing in that maybe I couldn’t do this. Maybe it was too much. Maybe I am a quitter.
But I didn’t listen. And, I kept on running. One foot in front of the other.
Miles 10-12 went by quick. I heard someone yell that we only had 2 miles to go, and my body started to move as if it hadn't just run 10 miles already. As we ran along the ocean toward the finish, the waves began to remind me of home. Something about the water gives me peace, and in this instant it brought me back from the place my doubts were taking me. I put my iPod in and felt the strength build with every step as I got closer to the end.
On mile 13, I started thinking about how different my circumstances could have been had surgery gone as planned. It gave me an understanding about how other things haven't gone as I wanted or planned in my life, and how I'm slowly finding out that some of them have turned out for the better.
And some, for the worse.
THE END + THE BEGINNING
But right now, at the END of this run, I was more concerned with the journey than the end result. If this race was the dumbest thing I've ever done (which many people argued that it was), then I wanted it to be MY mistake.
When I finally crossed the finish line, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Literally. I was beyond exhausted. I felt alive for the first time in way too long. My shoulder held up well, and I was virtually pain free for the entire 13 miles. A miracle, some would say.
So I realized that I run because quitting lacrosse didn't mean career ending, and shoulder surgery didn't mean pins and limitation. Both just meant change.
Now I know: Things don't necessarily have to leave my life; certain details just may have to change in order for those things to remain a thriving part of it.
I run because I am able. And that has made all the difference.
